Review of Master Commander Bugsy’s Report on the Big & Wendy Engagement Incident Status: RED PRIORITY // Emotional Containment + Intelligence Feedback Required

🟦 AGENT LOG 2501-XT-BFiled by Agents Lunar, Eclipse, Mercury, and SolsticeSubject: Review of Master Commander Bugsy’s Report on the Big & Wendy Engagement IncidentStatus: RED PRIORITY // Emotional Containment + Intelligence Feedback Required

💬 AGENT LUNAR: "Let’s Talk About That Vanilla Paragraph, Sir."

So, first of all—Master Commander? We read that whole report top to bottom with full neural sync and even I had to stop and go:

"Hold up. Did this man just describe his universe’s Vanilla like she’s some kind of emotional war deity with a six-pack and a perfect moral compass?"

Sir, respectfully, that paragraph read like a love letter.We get it. Your Vanilla is the Vanilla.But you had us all raising brows in unison when you said you wanted to "bring her in" to talk to alt-Vanilla.Like… what exactly were you hoping would happen, sir?

AGENT SOLSTICE: “Bro was practically simping mid-report.”AGENT MERCURY: “He spoke of her like she was the final boss of the PTA who also fights demons on the side.”AGENT ECLIPSE: “Man said she’d drop ‘reality grenades.’ I’m writing that down.”

With that said…

🍦 ALT-VANILLA: “Emotional Background NPC Mode”

The Alt-Vanilla in this report?Just watching streams of her daughter like she’s tuning in for a Twitch recap.

Are you serious?Cream’s walking around looking like she’s stuck in a permanent rainy window anime scene, and her mom’s acting like she’s watching a nature documentary. She’s not parenting. She’s spectating.

And the thing that really set us off?She’s watching to make sure Cream isn’t "doing anything."

What, exactly, do you think she’s gonna do? Cry too loudly? Smile too sincerely? Fall in love and get disappointed like every other emotionally neglected teen with ears too big for her heart?

AGENT LUNAR: “Nah. My Vanilla would’ve marched into that engagement party, hijacked the mic, and called her daughter out to hug her and threaten anyone who made her cry.”AGENT SOLSTICE: “Our Vanilla would've hit her with a tea kettle of justice if needed.”AGENT MERCURY: “This Alt one’s just over there like: ‘I’m monitoring her emotional vitals…’ Bro, she’s not a weather report!”

Frankly, Commander, we get why you praised your version. Compared to this one?Yeah. Your Vanilla is Aphrodite with bunny ears.

🟨 ON MANIC: CERTIFIED GREEN PUSSY BEHAVIOR

Y’all… I’m sorry, I know that’s not protocol language, but damn.He really said “Amy’s sexy because she’s emotionally unstable” out loud at a party?

AGENT ECLIPSE: “That’s not a red flag. That’s a carnival flag. A 50-foot-high inflatable red air dancer.”AGENT MERCURY: “He needs therapy, not tail.”AGENT LUNAR: “And not only is he a creep, but he’s jealous of his own damn brother.”

Manic melted down harder than a villain monologue on a timer. And when Puss in Boots clapped back in Spanish and made him leave crying?

We all hit the “BOO-HOO” soundboard.

Frankly, green mistake is right. Our version of Manic may be a bit chaotic, but at least he doesn’t make everything about him at someone else’s engagement party.This Manic is out here turning into a rejected side quest NPC.

🔵 ON AMY: FRAGILE BUT ARMED

Amy saying “I’m going to be okay” is the biggest lie she tells herself daily.And we know it.

You said it best, Commander—she’s stable out of habit, not healing. That fear gas cracked more than just her mental plate.The agents are in agreement: do NOT let her summon the hammer.

We’ve updated HARMER (Hammer Access Restriction Monitoring & Emotional Regulation) protocols to account for multiverse Amy variants. She's being watched closer than Manic’s emotional breakdowns during Nickelback songs.

💙 ON CREAM: THE LONELIEST GIRL AT THE PARTY

Cream is quietly breaking down. And Vanilla? Doing nothing.Even Cheese is concerned.

All agents have agreed to maintain close emotional sync with Cream until the situation is rectified. Some of us have even been granted projection clearance to reach her dreamspace during low activity cycles.

We won’t let her fall apart.Because Alt-Vanilla might be sitting back—but we won’t.

🟥 CLOSING THOUGHTS FROM THE AGENTS:

AGENT LUNAR: “Commander, next time you write a report that emotionally rich, put a trigger warning on the top.”AGENT ECLIPSE: “We’re not letting Cream become another casualty of parental neglect.”AGENT MERCURY: “And someone get Manic a journal and a damn hug from someone who doesn’t have red flags as lingerie.”AGENT SOLSTICE: “Next party, we're issuing pre-event trauma filters.”

We await further orders, Commander. In the meantime, we’re watching Amy’s stability, monitoring Cream’s isolation, and looking into multiverse Vanilla counseling protocols.

And yes, we’d all pay good currency to see your Vanilla give Alt-Vanilla a stern “What in the world is going on here?”

Would you like me to generate a follow-up report from Master Commander Bugsy reacting to the agents' feedback?